Do you ever wake up with a pit in your stomach, the kind that makes the thought of facing the day feel unbearable? The alarm hasn’t even gone off, but you already feel defeated. All you want to do is burrow deeper into the covers, turn off your phone, and let the world carry on without you for just one day.

Well, that was me this morning.

The past few weeks have been strange—not necessarily bad, but also not great. I continue to amaze myself as I make positive, healthy decisions. Yet, I continue to wrestle with the “heavy things.” It’s exhilarating and exhausting at the same time.

I woke up before my alarm this morning in this dazed and confused state. I had another one of these obnoxious dreams I keep having some iteration of: I am back with my ex-girlfriend, I mess things up, and my deceased fiancée comes back to both tell me all the ways I screwed up and help me fix the situation. Unfortunately, I almost always wake up somewhere in the middle, and I spend several minutes re-orienting myself to reality… the reality where Emily is dead, and Kaylee is probably never speaking to me again.

As I tried to talk myself into getting up, my ex-husband called. Then, work was a constant snowstorm of emails from two needy clients sandwiched between entirely too many meetings. To make matters worse, I knew I needed to save energy for this evening because I promised my therapist I would go into my Bible study group and be nice to this woman who I really do not get along with.

As I drove to pick the kids up this afternoon, I thought about how quickly the day had spiraled—work stress, unresolved feelings, and an impending evening of forced niceties. Every part of me wanted to retreat, but then a small voice inside me whispered, “Try something different.” And so, I said, “It’s time for loving kindness.”

What is Loving Kindness?

Loving kindness is a practice that cultivates unconditional, selfless love and compassion for oneself and others. It requires you to extend goodwill towards others without expecting anything in return. Loving kindness transcends boundaries like nationality, religion, gender, or personal differences. It encourages us to embrace all beings with equal care and compassion.

I first learned about loving kindness in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It’s taught as part of the Mindfulness module because it’s a form of meditation. Like most other skills I practiced in DBT, I did not enjoy it… at least not at first.

The way I was taught about loving kindness, you pick a phrase, like, “May [name] be at peace” or, “May [name] be happy.” Then, starting with yourself, you work through this phrase in your mind. You extend loving kindness to your friends and family, your coworkers, the cashier at Starbucks—anyone who comes to mind. Eventually, you should work your way to people that it would normally be difficult to show compassion, such as an ex-boyfriend or the man who crashed into you at the red light two years ago.

But what happens when the hardest person to love is yourself?

For most people I know, this isn’t a problem. While many of us are harsh and judgemental of ourselves, at the end of the day, we do care about our own well-being and put ourselves first. However, this has not been the case for me, at least not until recently.

Compassion Always Trumps Aggression

Even though it was nearly eight years ago, I still remember some of my first “emotional moments” with loving kindness. I was at work, sitting in the floor of my classroom, trying to regulate my emotions after I signed my resignation. As I started to spiral into self-hatred, I stopped, crossed my legs, sat up straight, and started going through a paced breathing exercise. 

Then, I said, “I forgive myself.”

With each breath after that, I selected someone else to forgive: a coworker who had made my year especially difficult, the former friend who had shared entirely too much information with my boss, and the woman who kept referring to my miscarriage as a “natural abortion.” Eventually, I caught myself saying, “I forgive him,” meaning, “I forgive the boy who physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me for the entirety of my time in middle school.”

I paused. I cried. Then, I laughed. 

Did I really just say I forgive him?

That day was only the beginning of a much longer journey, one where I eventually learned that loving-kindness isn’t about excusing behavior—it’s about setting myself free. Acceptance isn’t approval, but it is necessary to move forward. Forgiveness is no different; you cannot let go of what happened until you forgive those involved.

The Gift of Self-Compassion

Even after that day, I struggled to look in the mirror and see someone deserving of kindness for years. I spent an entire year processing all of my past trauma, releasing the fear and anger I held onto for so long. And yet, despite forgiving those who hurt me, I couldn’t forgive myself because I didn’t see myself as worthy and deserving.

But here’s the reality I’ve come to accept: I don’t need to deserve it—I just have to choose it.

For the past six months, I’ve been choosing to show compassion and loving kindness towards myself in so many ways. I’ve let myself have lazy days. I have complimented myself, encouraged myself, and taken care of myself. Instead of blaming myself for everything and spinning out of control every time a situation goes awry, I show myself grace and accept the moment for what it is.

And this is where the transformation has happened: all within myself.

Loving Kindness: A Work in Progress

A year ago, a day like today would have left me in tears, questioning everything. But instead of spiraling, I breathed and embraced loving kindness. And while the chaos didn’t go away, the way I carried it did. 

When I finally got to my Bible study group this evening, I found myself face-to-face with the woman I’d promised to be kind to. Instead of dreading the interaction, I silently repeated, “I am here to build community. She is here to build community.”

It wasn’t magic, but it was a start.

Loving kindness isn’t a cure-all. It doesn’t fix what’s broken or erase what’s painful. But it opens a door—to healing, freedom, and grace. And on days like today, when the heavy things feel impossible to carry, it reminds me that I’m not alone. I have myself. And that, I’m learning, is enough.

I think we all need to stop and remind ourselves to show ourselves and others compassion from time to time. 

If you’ve never tried loving kindness, it might feel awkward or even pointless at first. But start small. Pick a phrase, pick a moment, and let it grow from there. You don’t need to perfect it; you just need to begin.

So, who in your life might need a little extra compassion today? What would it feel like to extend loving-kindness to them—or to yourself? What’s stopping you from beginning?

Start small. Start awkward. Just start—and let loving-kindness do the rest. That’s all I did—I made the choice to start.