“Life, I’ve learned, is never fair. If people teach anything in school, that should be it.”

I’ve been thinking about injustice and inequity of the world a lot lately. I’ve been praying for a dear friend who is watching others share news she has so desperately desired to have in her own life. I’ve watched another friend continue to have more work piled on her while her company keeps dangling the carrot of a raise (a raise she’s been waiting on for over two years). Both of these incredible people are so deserving of everything in life, and yet it seems like neither of them can catch a break.

So why can’t we simply get the things we want? It’s a question I not only ponder about other people, but for myself as well.

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

I have always been the type of person who very clearly visualizes her future. I’m always planning years ahead, and once I get an idea in my head or latch onto a dream, I’m fully committed. Unfortunately, as we all know, those hopes and dreams don’t always pan out.

So where does that leave me? Heartbroken and depressed.

I remember one of the times my dreams were shattered as a child. I was in the fourth grade, and the middle school band director came to our elementary school to let students try instruments as a preparation for the next fall. I made a great sound on the flute, and was so excited to take a letter home to my mom about it. But that same day, my dad found out he got the job he had applied for in Tennessee, which meant we’d be moving from Michigan over the summer. I did end up playing the flute, but I had to wait an extra year (and endure a lot of issues with the transition).

I wish I could say all of my shattered dreams were that insignificant and eventually worked out, but many of them haven’t. Some, like my career plans, have evolved and changed form numerous times. Others, like my plans with my deceased fiancée Emily, are completely shattered.

When something (or someone) pokes holes in these plans I make for myself, I fall apart. I often blame myself, assume the plans were ruined because I’m not deserving of anything good in life, and envy those who have what I desired.

The Grass Is (Not) Always Greener

Covetousness is human nature. It’s built into our DNA. Unfortunately, I believe modern society has made this issue exponentially worse, especially as we see everyone’s “happy shiny lives” on social media. It seems like everyone’s life is going according to plan — at least everyone except us.

My best friends are a great example of this. I love them both dearly and am so incredibly thankful for them. And yet there are so many times I leave their house feeling this ugly mixture of emotions.

I leave their home, where they have each other, and come to an empty townhouse with constant reminders of what used to be. I watch them love and care for each other despite their flaws and frustrations with each other, all the while wondering why no one can love me enough to accept me as I am. I watch them raise their children and build incredible bonds with them while counting all the ways in which I’ve failed my kids.

Deep down I know their lives aren’t perfect (because no one’s life ever is). But that doesn’t stop me from craving all the things they seem to have that I’ve always wanted but can never seem to get.

It’s the same with everyone though. We all want what someone else has and don’t know how to get it for ourselves. If we were all honest with each other and stopped trying to put up a facade, we’d all realize the grass is rarely greener on the other side.

Learning to Accept The Hand I’ve Been Dealt

Now, I’m not saying I buy that whole “everything happens for a reason” bullshit. I’m also not saying that anyone deserves bad things to happen in their lives. That would be ridiculous.

However, I do believe in dialectics — two opposing sentiments can peacefully coexist.

When I worked at the drug rehab facility, I would often tell the patients, “Acceptance does not equal approval.” I think the same can be said about acceptance and agreement or resignation.

I can accept that Emily died, but that doesn’t mean I like it or think it’s fair in any way, shape, or form. I can accept that my current job isn’t what I thought I’d be doing, but that doesn’t mean I have to give up on my dreams of doing something else. I can accept that my most recent girlfriend said some incredibly judgemental and hurtful things about me at the end of our relationship, but that doesn’t mean I can’t also work towards changing those flaws and becoming a better person.

I’ve spent the majority of October working through this concept, this notion that despite the hand I’ve been dealt, I still have a choice in what I do with the cards I’ve got.

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done”