The past three weeks have been quite the roller coaster ride. I have cried nearly every single day, and I’ve forced myself to do several “hard things.” I have also laughed a lot, and multiple people have commented on how I seem “better” or “content.”

While I do think a large part of it has to do with increasing my antidepressant dosage, I also think I’m doing a better job of listening to my friends and actually internalizing the things they say.

“Being Stuck Holds You Back”

I’m very lucky: my two best friends get many ridiculous text messages from me at the most random times, yet they take them all in stride and often provide some insightful responses. One of our recent exchanges was no exception to this, as I drafted a message, tears streaming down my face, that started with, “I want you to be honest and blunt with me…”

This isn’t something new — I frequently need my friends to be blunt with me. However, it was what I asked and the answer I got that created the turning point.

“Do I need to give up on [this] possibility?”

While I assumed the answer was going to simply include a three-letter word with exclamation points or an “I told you so” type remark, it was actually far deeper than that.

“First, I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. But I would say, you need to give yourself the chance of moving forward. Being stuck on the possibility of [this] will hold you back from other possibilities. At this moment, [this isn’t happening]. I also don’t like the phrase giving up, I think it’s more of a desire to be able to be unstuck and move forward.”

Being stuck… am I stuck?

Holds you back… am I preventing my own growth?

Always Locate The Emergency Exits

The more I think about it, the more I realize the biggest roadblock in my personal growth is me. And, more specifically, it’s my continued reliance on suicidal ideation as a coping skill.

I have always been a person who experiences emotions very strongly. When I am happy or excited, I can barely sit still. I talk quickly, remain constantly in motion, and quite literally do a happy dance. This is all fine and dandy, but unfortunately the pendulum swings the other way too.

When I experience sadness, frustration, or anxiety, it consumes me. I experience physical symptoms to the point that it feels intolerable, and my brain convinces me I will explode if the pain continues. Sometimes it’s so bad that I can’t even remember feeling any differently, nor can I conjure my coping skills to lower the emotional intensity.

But, for as long as I can remember, there has been one thing that “helps” make those negative emotions tolerable: suicidal ideation.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but when you think about it, it also makes sense. My goal is to stop the negative emotions and the physical pain that accompanies them. And, in theory, if I am no longer alive and breathing, I also won’t experience intense emotions and all that comes with them.

In other words, it’s an emergency exit — not something I ever want to use, but present and visible “just in case.”

When I start having those thoughts, my brain pivots away from whatever it was I was thinking of when the painful emotions started. And, if I sit in that silent contemplation long enough, I often can’t even remember why I got upset to begin with. My brain makes it into a puzzle, thinking through details and “what ifs” as my body realizes there is a way to end the pain.

Sealing The Escape Hatch for Good

While I can logically explain the method behind my madness, I also realize it’s just that: madness. It isn’t helpful. It isn’t healthy. And, worst of all, it’s costing me more than it’s worth.

Although it’s been a lovely security blanket since middle school, I can’t continue to cling to suicidal ideation if I want to get “unstuck” and move forward on my growth journey. And while I recognize it isn’t the only thing holding me back from reaching my true potential, I know that sealing off this escape hatch and letting it go will make all the rest of the work that much easier.

I wish I would have committed to this sooner so I could have avoided my most recent loss, but I can’t let that stop me. As they say, it’s never too late to start, and I’d say the week of my 37th birthday is as good of a time as any to make new promises to myself.