There’s a joke about me that everyone in my family loves to tell. It’s a jab at my extrovertedness and love of communicating with others, and it’s really only funny because I turned out “okay.”

I didn’t speak a single word until I was two years old. And, instead of words, my first proclamation was an entire sentence. As my family says, “She didn’t talk until she was two, but then she never shut up!”

And, as much as I hate to admit it, the joke is pretty accurate.

Talking Takes Away The Pain

One of my biggest fears has always been being alone. For me, being alone means being stuck with my thoughts… And my mind is a dangerous landmine of past events, anxiety, and low self-esteem. I avoid being alone at all costs, and when I am alone, you can bet I either have the television or music playing.

I will admit, I can be a bit dramatic at times. I also feel my emotions very intensely, sometimes to the point that they’re all-consuming. Over the years, I’ve learned bottling them up is both dangerous and unhelpful. So, instead, I tend to express them outwardly in whatever form I can.

Sometimes this means I text or call friends. Other times I may post on social media or write a blog post. Regardless of what method I choose, though, the goal is the same: release the feelings.

When I share my feelings, it takes away the intensity and pain. They don’t hold power over me anymore, and with the help of others, I can overcome the most difficult days to see the sunset. I feel connected to others, especially when they share their own pain and negative emotions with me, giving talking yet another benefit.

Vague to Avoid Being a Burden

Unfortunately, I don’t always clearly express myself, even to the people I trust the most. I provide vague answers, ask my own questions, or avoid the topic of conversation entirely. Part of this is a protective measure for myself because I’ve been hurt far too many times. But it’s also a protective measure for the other person.

I realize my brain is scary. I also realize I’m not the greatest person at times. So, my logic is if I’m vague or stretch the truth a bit, maybe people will stick around longer. However, that’s not always true either because people grow tired of being a mind reader, especially for a crazy person.

Radio Silence

There are very few times I can remember in my life when I purposely avoided people. Even at my worst, I prefer the company of people I love to being alone. And yet, there are times when I want nothing more than to shut the world out. It’s rare, but it does happen.

And while I don’t fully understand myself in these times, I do know this: it’s not when I’m telling someone how I feel that you need to worry — it’s when I stop doing it that is a red flag.

When I go silent, I’ve stopped caring. When I say, “I’m fine” or don’t respond to people for long periods of time, it means I’m not okay. In fact, it means I’m so unwell that I don’t want anyone to know. I don’t want people to worry. I don’t want them to intervene. I just want to let the silence consume me until I disappear completely.