I have never really sat down to do the math, but if I had to guess, I probably spent at least 700 hours of my life in therapy. It all started in high school, then became a regular part of my weekly routine after my miscarriage in 2017. It’s “old hat” at this point, and I often joke I’ve spent so much time on therapist’s couches and in groups that I could probably be a therapist (#goals).

But, there’s a massive difference between knowing things and applying them to your life… and that’s my issue.

Everyday is the Worst Day Ever

This morning, my mind did its usual zero to 60. It started with a vague, non-committal statement. Was it a big deal? Absolutely not. Did my mind use it as fuel to run wild? Oh, absolutely!

Thankfully, my best friend is so used to this that she didn’t even bat an eye.

“I’m catastophizing. It’s one of my best skills.”

“I know you are.”

If you aren’t familiar with the term, cognitive distortions are like mental traps that warp our thinking, making it difficult to see situations clearly and accurately. They are biased perspectives our minds create, often leading us to perceive reality in a way that is skewed, negative, or irrational. These distortions are common, and they can profoundly impact our emotional well-being, relationships, and decision-making.

These distortions are so commonplace for me that they are tied to nearly every thought I have. I see things in extremes, discount the positives, and jump to conclusions based on past experiences. Many times, a single distortion starts a domino effect, and next thing I know, I’ve convinced myself everyday is the worst day ever, and I can’t remember a single positive moment in my entire life.

Yeah, it’s not fun.

I hate the fact that my brain does this, and I desperately wish it wouldn’t. But, just like anything else related to anxiety, you can’t simply “flip a switch” and stop the thoughts from spiraling.

What I can do, though, is recognize when it’s happening and reroute myself down another path.

Unfortunately, that’s much easier said than done.

Thoughts Trigger Behaviors

For me, cognitive distortions aren’t just annoying; they’re my greatest downfall. Well, it’s not the thoughts themselves that are the issue — it’s the actions they trigger.

Have you ever thought you were drowning? That’s how I feel when my brain runs wild with cognitive distortions. So, naturally, I try to save myself from drowning in whatever way makes the most sense to my panicked mind.

Sometimes, I will reach for lifelines. I will text a friend and share my thoughts. But, of course, no one can be available 24-7, so then I continue to flounder.

Other times, I get so focused on saving myself that I deprioritize relationships with others. I lash out, I say things that are flat out untrue, I make accusations. Yet again, though, these tactics simply push me further away from what I actually need in the moment, and have even cost me some of my most cherished relationships in life.

If things feel truly desperate, my brain starts looking for an escape. I convince myself the panic I feel and the thoughts running through my brain will never stop unless I stop existing. This is the most dangerous place to be, because again, the distortions fall like dominos and I can very quickly find myself so deep into the spiral, I can’t see another exit.

And this is why, as Emily would say if she were still here right now, I try to yeet myself or take a toaster bath.

Forging a New Path

So, how do I stop chunking everything I think and feel into this bucket of self-destruction. Well, for starters, I have to trust myself. I must believe the rational part of my brain that knows I am looking at life through a tinted lens, and I need to trust myself enough to know how to get out of it.

Also, I must break the thought patterns before they lead me to taking action. Like this morning, when I told my friend I was catastrophizing — that was a way to sever the thought spiral because it caused me to question what I was even thinking and why.

Finally, I must start reframing these thoughts to retrain my brain. I have so many worksheets that help me do this, and it’s probably time I start using them again.

Maybe, just maybe, I will finally break free of this cycle and find middle ground.